so i've been depressed lately. and suddenly a sharp reply from rachel just sets me off. i dont even think she means it that way, but somehow i'm convinced that this is the final proof i needed that i'm a completely failure as a human being.

this is completely nuts. i should be studying for my exams but noo instead i'm obsessing over what a fuck up i am. the obvious next question should be "how can i change it" but it seems like i'm just innately a failure and i can't change it. i thought working hard and trying to be perky would help but i'm even more depressed than ever. i haven't been this bad in several years.

and seriously what CAN i do about this. should i get a therapist? but that feels like rent a friend. going back on prozac probably wouldn't help either. ming always said i just didn't try enough, but i am. i've tried so hard to act like i'm normal and not give in to being a crazy psycho bitch.

and this paranoia is new. is it a sign that things will only get worse? suddenly i'm reading between the lines of everything and i'm constantly convinced that everyone hates me and is just pretending to be my friend out of pity. maybe being busier will help. i dont know i dont know i dont know what do people do in order to be normal? what can i do to become normal? if i ignore this will it go away? i just want to be like every other girl who's okay looking but wants to be pretty has friends to surround her and acquaintances to wave to has parents who don't go psychotic all the time has something to look forward to in life.

and thats not me.

i've been off prozac so long. i've kept myself busy. why do i still hate myself more and more every day.

my dearest darling mother just cried, threw a tray at me and kicked me because i was too slow in getting her a slice of cake. genius.

meh. i should chant that to myself. i ought to be studying. i ought to be studying.


i really really miss ming. i think i'll go over to his place and maybe study at his place. its reading week, so sigh. i feel bad. like i should be studying instead of going to see him when he comes back. but my sister justified it by pointing out that even if i stayed home i'd probably waste time or just be sad and not concentrate. i really miss him. i wonder what it'll be like when he goes to study in cornell. i'll miss him so much.

i wonder if we'll last actually. i know he doesnt want a long distance relationship and he's just giving in cos he knows i want to try.. there isn't really a point forcing him. but sigh. i dont know. i just miss him a lot and i can't imagine not having him in my life anymore. sometimes i feel like i should do The Right Thing and let him go have fun and stuff. cos like what they say, if he really loves me, he'll come back right? and if he doesnt, then its good that i found out early that he doesnt love me.

only.. i dont think i'm nice and good and brave enough to do that. is it wrong of me to want to be with him? the whole if you really love him you'll let him go kind of thing. sigh.

this song always makes me cry. i know i'm not easy to love. there's a d/g fic that just makes me cry so hard... i can't even remember which one it is or how it goes exactly. but its something like she asks how he can love her when they're so different and from such different backgrounds. and he says, because you're so easy to love.

damn i'm upset again. i'm so obsessive, always thinking about what i should do and all. meh. i should just go study. because i'm supposed to be studying.

this will be a disjointed and random rambly post cos i'm kinda tired.

yesterday i met up with shir whom i haven't seen in a gazillion years cos she's off studying in the far off land of UK. it sounds quite scary though, having to fend for oneself in a foreign land but then again i'm just spoilt. we had a lovely time talking and finding out what happened to mutual friends and gossiping. oh and we also had a yummilicious chocolate souffle. wheee!

unfortunately, i'm now feeling guilty about the chocolate souffle. i believe that being a flat asian chick, with a chest resembling a runway, the slightest hint of a tummy makes me look pregnant. ack. doesnt help that i definitely have much more than a hint of a tummy. haha. now if i could just transfer that fat to my boobs, it would be much better. so i've starting running a little bit every now and then. bleh. its okay, i guess. i mean i've always hated exercise and i've always always skipped PE lessons. and my over-anxious mother always supported me skipping cos i've got a back problem. so.. oh well. its good for me, i guess.

exams are coming. bleh. i'm strangely unworried (for the time being). had a very interesting history lesson, where i was quite irritated by the first girl's presentation (i felt like she was totally missing the point) but the rest of the lesson was great. yay for nice lecturers!

okay off to mug the social organization of southeast asian countries.

argh i'm blogging again. ming's only been away for a day and i miss him terribly already. and i just feel so.. terrible about myself.

last semester i prided myself on being consistent all the time. and this semester? i dont know what's wrong. i just feel so tired all the time and unable to do anything. its like i actually dread these things. i dont know why. sigh. i have to get a grip and concentrate.. exams are coming.

i'm thinking of getting a pretty notebook so i can write things down whenever i miss ming or wish i could tell him things. so it would stop me from messaging him so much and also, maybe he'd like to read it when he gets back. i'm not sure. but pretty notebooks always cheer me up. maybe tomorrow i'll hunt for one in the school bookshop during my break.

i feel like descartes. ha.

well now that i've figured out a bit more on how to use livejournal, i think i shall start to use it more like a proper journal.

i think i've realised that i'm quite anti social. and that i have very few friends. which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but once he goes away, i'm going to be very lonely.

i wonder why i dont have friends. i think i'm relatively friendly. i chatter away to people during classes. enough so the tutors get irritated. i dont get all emo and depressed in front of people as much as i used to, in fact i work very hard at being happy when i'm in school. i do prefer studying to going out a lot of the time, but still! i dont even have people to talk to!

i have to admit there is a bit of a gap. i just dont connect with a lot of people in school. its always something. the sense of humour. the interests. or something. is something wrong with me? am i not nice enough? the only people who really want to talk to me are the boys who hit on me. bah. i want close girlfriends. the kind to have girly secrets with. and go shopping with. and giggle and gossip and cheer each other up when we're sad. am i too snobby? well i am a bit but not very. hmmm.

maybe if i can improve myself, people will want to be my friend.

my faults:
1. i get depressed very easily.
2. i get very irritated when people don't do things properly
3. i get very grouchy and irritable when i'm pmsing.
4. i procrastinate a lot.
5. i'm careless. and forgetful.
6. i have low self esteem.

ways i will fix this:
1. i will tell myself to feel better! and read more happy books and fluff instead of sad depressing ones like prozac nation.
2. i will be more forgiving.
3. i will be more understanding and more tolerant.
4. i will be more motivated and harder on myself.
5. i will be more organized.
6. i will exercise and feel good about myself!

i think 6 will be the hardest. ahaha. and 4 and 5 are particularly important for my grades.

actually i think that once he goes off, maybe i'll join a dance class or something. then i can make friends in class while also working out! only thing is, they can be pretty expensive. sigh. any recommendations for a not-too-expensive and interesting dance/exercise class in s'pore?

i need to get some interests. so that i wont be bored out of my mind or lonely. but i also have to make sure that i wont get too caught up in it. which kinda rules out wow or civilization. boo. any other suggestions? haha. reading doesn't help cos i get very obsessive and i absolutely HAVE to finish the book before i can do anything else. hmmm.

ah well. i'll work on improving myself first.

good god its getting to be a cycle. working myself up and getting upset when i should be writing papers. its just so.. i'm just so full of desperation. like i just know its not good enough and i dont know what to do about it.

i've been so obsessive lately. i keep imagining how i'm going to fail everything. sigh.

and i miss you. i miss you. like crazy. i wish you were here. things are so much better when i have you around.

but does that make me a burden? sigh. i hate bothering you, i always feel that i should be happy and cheerful for you and not add on to your own problems.

on the bright side, i've thought up an idea for your birthday.

i think all men are the same. buying what they want their gfs to want. and not what the girls really want.

do you hate me?

i'm frightened. that maybe i really am depressed and all the trivial things i do to fill up my time and occupy my mind are just distractions.

its just all so pointless. i dont know why i'm doing all this and who i'm doing it for and why i dont know why i'm doing it at all.


i dont want to be a burden to you. i'd spend my life clinging to you desperately, trying to be good and happy for you even when i'm not.

i'm so very frightened.

so it was due on monday and i didnt realise. i'm an idiot. and instead of doing it, i'm moping about my relationship with you again.

i wonder why i tend to address my entries to you. i guess its cos i always hope you'll read it and understand why i'm the way i am. not very likely to happen. also because this is more like an extreme display of self indulgence rather than anything else.

i'm always running away from reality. i started my habit when i was about 11 or 12 because i didnt want to admit i was growing up, that puberty was setting in. i do it all the time anyway. pretend that i'm happy when i'm not.

sometimes i feel like i'm forced to be happy when i'm with you. like i have to be extra chirpy and fun and adorable. i know you hate me when i'm all depressed and like this; but sometimes i can't help but wonder, am i doing it as a test? as a, if you loved me you wouldn't mind kind of way?

i wonder if i'm obsessed with you. i apologize all the time, i think you hate me when you just want a moment alone to go watch spongebob or something. i'm always trying to think of new ways to make you happy and how i can just hide all this depressed-self away and make you smile.

i just want to be happy. i think i say this all the time. i'm 20 and i dont even know what makes me happy. when people ask me about my future, about my interests, etc etc, i dont know! i know what you want to do for your future, i know what you like and dislike.. but i dont even know the slightest thing about myself.

i wonder if i would be doing you a favour if i killed myself.